Monday, December 31, 2012

1230 room in Olympia: CURSED!

They play their music so loud that they break their neighbors' light fixtures at night. They're trying to drive the coffee shop next door out of business so they can take over that space too. Now they are CURSED! Everyone, please pray to Satan to hasten their demise! Hail Satan!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Calling all Satanists: help a sister out, someone curse-blocked her!

She put a hex on someone, it was working fine, then it stopped. Please send any wickedness you have to spare along to her in the spirit of the holiday season to help her get this thing going again. Hail Satan!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Friday, October 26, 2012

Have you rejected Jesus?

Now's your chance. This call doesn't sound authentic, but that doesn't have to stop you from rejecting salvation. Hail Satan!

Please don't call the church mentioned in the call (unless you really are interested in salvation, which they will probably be happy to share with you). This is a prank call from a number that doesn't match the church they mention.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Hex placed on "Kyle"

You know who you are. The hex will be lifted when you stop trying to make whoever called us feel bad.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Is Satan anything like Santa?

Maybe. As the Church Lady foretold, just swap the last two letters. Here's a list of prayer requests for the Dark Lord:

Have you been naughty or nice? Satan wants you to be naughty.

The ugly soul

We pray for Nietzsche's art of the ugly soul to come to fruition. Hail Satan!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Break a leg

A prayer request from a true follower of the Dark Lord:
We wish you the best we can without jinxing it. Break a leg for Satan!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

A prayer from Jesus M. Christ

We're not sure if he's any relation to his more well-known namesake Jesus H. Christ. The important thing is that he's talking to us. Let's hope he manages to avoid the fate of the other one. Our advice: if you find yourself being tempted in the desert, do what feels good, not what you think is right. Remember, they can't sacrifice you to the angry storm-god to pay for the sins of the world if you're no longer a spotless virgin. So defile yourself now while you still have the chance! Hail SATAN!

Monday, June 25, 2012

His enemies will suffer

If he gets his wish. We don't know what they did, but let this be a lesson to you all not to make enemies with Satanists.
Some religions promote praying for your enemies. So do we, just not in quite the same sense.
Hail Satan!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Pray to Satan to do something about Cheney

Dick Cheney used to claim to be on a mission from god. We'll take his word for it. But there's no telling what the power of Satanic prayer can do:
Also, although the caller didn't mention it, please pray to Satan for the westboro baptists, and if you can, please come to the Satanic Prayer Vigil for them on June 6 at 4pm at the Washington State Capitol Steps.
We're pretty sure Cheney and the westboro baptists are working for the same deity, so we mention it here.

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Dark Lord is in your heart. Don't give up!

To the person who called at 3:47 pacific time from an area code 303 number:

The Dark Lord will send you a sign. Stand up to the people making you angry. You are not bad for feeling angry, you are Wicked, which is a beautiful thing to be. Tell the people who have brought you misery why you are angry. Call on your demons to carry their misery right back to them.

We haven't posted your phone message because we know you are serious and you didn't tell us to post it here. But just know in your heart that satanists everywhere are praying for you.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

It can't hurt to ask

Someone wants a flying octopus and a few other things. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.